I was watching a DVD tonight and there was a guy. He had his shirt off and he was gorgeous. And I realized that I was getting very antsy. Every human being needs a certain amount of physical contact with other humans. Everyone needs to be touched or held or caressed.

I don’t get that. I am starved for attention from the opposite sex. I am forming a resentment for men that is decidedly unhealthy. I see good looking men and I get extremely mad because I realize that they really would have nothing to do with me. I am all but invisible to them and it makes me so mad.The anger is irrational and against my better judgment. I know I should not be angry but in that instance I cannot control it.

I understand my level of ugliness. I understand that guys want to be with someone that they find attractive. Those are inevitabilities that cannot be overcome and so they must be accepted. But accepting them does nothing for the physical need that I have been feeling. I am incredibly scared that this need will slowly but surely drive me crazy. I have already resorted to cutting. It helps a little but that can only go on for so long before someone notices. I have found myself actually purposefully rubbing up against a guy on the bus just to feel that contact. Looking back it was so pathetic but it was overwhelming. I find myself fantasizing about what it would be like to touch random guys that I see out in public.


I’m just lonely. I need someone. And I know that all the gurus and the experts say that you should begin to love yourself before anyone else can love you. But so much of my problem stems from that fact that I don’t see anyone loving me romantically. Yes, I do have family and friends that love me. But the kind of contact that I need right now is not exactly something that I can get from family and my friends.

But I also crave that attention. I want to feel attractive or pretty or at least have some inkling that I am not seen as a hideous beast. But I don’t get that. Yes I get compliments at work about how I might look nice that day. But I also work with all women, two of which are mental health professionals. Its their job to find something to compliment people on. And anyway I can’t exactly kiss them.  Those compliments make me uncomfortable because I don’t feel like I deserve them. I am probably the fattest and the most unattractive employee at my place of employment. I am actually embarrassed when I have to go up to people and talk to them.

I don’t really like to look in the mirror. It is kind of a reminder of what I look like. Momma thinks that I do not know how to dress. The truth is that I do not see the point in dressing myself up in cool fashions. They will not look good on me so what would the purpose be for me making that effort. The same goes for makeup.


So the best that I can do is to just be hard. To work at cutting off whatever part of me that still feels the need to be needful. Channel all of that energy that would otherwise be wasted on romance and boost my grades. I need to use all of that energy on something that would be attainable and productive. If in the last 12 years I have never been kissed, asked out or even had my hand held then there is a very good chance that it may never happen. I am working very hard on accepting that fact.

I want to know what a man’s bare skin feels like. I want to be kissed until I can’t think straight. I want someone who doesn’t just kiss with his lips but with his whole body.