On a daily basis I see guys whom I think to myself "That guy is attractive/cute/hot." THis is not anything new and I am pretty sure that anyone who is attracted to men does this on a regular basis. However today was different. Today I saw him.

I think everyone has a him. That guy that you see who for some reason has that extra something that makes you sit up and take notice. The him that I saw today was gorgeous. It was not just that he was gorgeous it was everything about him that I could discern in the 30 minutes that he was on the train and sitting near me.

1. He smelled amazing. Now I am very into smell. There are some smells that I never could tolerate (cloves, cigarettes, vanilla) and musk. Now when I see musk I mean whatever generic scent is used in 90% of male scents. I am getting away from my him. He smelled good, not just "not stinky" but good, amazing.

2. He was reading "The Book of Lost Things". For those of you that have not read or heard of it, look it up on Amazon.

3. He had 3 tattoos that I could see. I LOVE well placed well done tattoos on males. I saw an infinity symbol, an elaborate symbol around his bicep and a heart that was filled in to look like the Earth's surface.

4. He had that slightly nerdy look to him that I love. Think Reid from Criminal Minds or Christoher Gorham's character on Ugly Betty or Chuck.

He got off at the stop before mine and I never actually said anything to him. I never do. I sit there making up these elaborate fantasies in my head about how awesome we would be together and how perfectly he would fit into my Perfect Sunday fantasy. Nothing ever happens though, and life goes on the same as it always has.

Sigh.

Have you ever been absolutely terrified of being happy? That feeling of being so scared that the universe will take notice that you are happy about something and demand retribution or simply take it away altogether? That maybe in a past life you were a terrible person and this is the punishment.

I usually wake up on Sunday and just lay there. There are times when I will have something to do, but for the most part I have no real things to do for that day. My fantasy though, the one I keep playing over and over in my head, is of having The Perfect Sunday.

Let me outline this for you:

Me and my imaginary boyfriend, whom I will call Michael, wake up together in a gorgeous king size bed with soft plush comforters. In my fantasy sometimes we have a quickie, other times we just lay there spooning and cuddling. Eventually we decide to roll out of bed and venture to the kitchen. I make waffles or pancakes or french toast for the both of us while he reads the paper and we chat about nothing in particular. The kitchen smells like frying bacon and some delicious breakfast confection. Michael might try to steal some bacon by distracting me with a tender kiss. After breakfast we both shower, sometimes together sometimes separately.

Michael and I decide to watch a little Tv because we are both closet Jersey Shore fans, or maybe we catch an episode of I Love Lucy or even some Spongebob.

Eventually we decide to venture out into the world to catch a movie. Afterwards we have a small picnic in the park. I nap on his lap as he reads some nondescript novel. When the sun begins to go down Michael and I head home to have a fun dinner and play some Scrabble or Bananagrams. We end the evening by watching the news in bed while Michael continues his novel and I work on some knitting. He does not know it but I am knitting him some fingerless gloves for when fall hits and he is playing his games of football. Since both of us have to work the next day we turn in early. Michael and I fall asleep spooning as he tells me "I love you". Of course I say "I love you too".

I was watching a DVD tonight and there was a guy. He had his shirt off and he was gorgeous. And I realized that I was getting very antsy. Every human being needs a certain amount of physical contact with other humans. Everyone needs to be touched or held or caressed.

I don’t get that. I am starved for attention from the opposite sex. I am forming a resentment for men that is decidedly unhealthy. I see good looking men and I get extremely mad because I realize that they really would have nothing to do with me. I am all but invisible to them and it makes me so mad.The anger is irrational and against my better judgment. I know I should not be angry but in that instance I cannot control it.

I understand my level of ugliness. I understand that guys want to be with someone that they find attractive. Those are inevitabilities that cannot be overcome and so they must be accepted. But accepting them does nothing for the physical need that I have been feeling. I am incredibly scared that this need will slowly but surely drive me crazy. I have already resorted to cutting. It helps a little but that can only go on for so long before someone notices. I have found myself actually purposefully rubbing up against a guy on the bus just to feel that contact. Looking back it was so pathetic but it was overwhelming. I find myself fantasizing about what it would be like to touch random guys that I see out in public.


I’m just lonely. I need someone. And I know that all the gurus and the experts say that you should begin to love yourself before anyone else can love you. But so much of my problem stems from that fact that I don’t see anyone loving me romantically. Yes, I do have family and friends that love me. But the kind of contact that I need right now is not exactly something that I can get from family and my friends.

But I also crave that attention. I want to feel attractive or pretty or at least have some inkling that I am not seen as a hideous beast. But I don’t get that. Yes I get compliments at work about how I might look nice that day. But I also work with all women, two of which are mental health professionals. Its their job to find something to compliment people on. And anyway I can’t exactly kiss them.  Those compliments make me uncomfortable because I don’t feel like I deserve them. I am probably the fattest and the most unattractive employee at my place of employment. I am actually embarrassed when I have to go up to people and talk to them.

I don’t really like to look in the mirror. It is kind of a reminder of what I look like. Momma thinks that I do not know how to dress. The truth is that I do not see the point in dressing myself up in cool fashions. They will not look good on me so what would the purpose be for me making that effort. The same goes for makeup.


So the best that I can do is to just be hard. To work at cutting off whatever part of me that still feels the need to be needful. Channel all of that energy that would otherwise be wasted on romance and boost my grades. I need to use all of that energy on something that would be attainable and productive. If in the last 12 years I have never been kissed, asked out or even had my hand held then there is a very good chance that it may never happen. I am working very hard on accepting that fact.

I want to know what a man’s bare skin feels like. I want to be kissed until I can’t think straight. I want someone who doesn’t just kiss with his lips but with his whole body.

I realize that my situation is not all that unique.


Or maybe it is.

 What I am talking about is this: I am 27 years old and I am a virgin. Not just any virgin mind you, I have never been kissed or had any type of romantic or intimate physical contact with the opposite sex (I'm heterosexual) in my lifetime. Needless to say I have never had a boyfriend or been out on a date.

I could be one of those women who fall into this category and consequently form a hateful and resentful attitude towards all men. As much as I would love to take the easy way out and do that I cannot. I really have no one to blame but myself. I like to believe that I can look at my situation objectively and evaluate all sides of the issue. On the one hand I am lucky because I will not be having a pregnancy scare if I am late and I do not have to worry about catching some terrible disease from an unfaithful partner. I also count myself lucky because I am childfree. I know that I do not wish to have children so there is not the additional issue of finding a suitable mate in time to have healthy children or be young enough to keep up with any adopted children.

I digress.

I can look at my situation objectively and realize several things:
1. I am not all that attractive to begin with. This is not me being self-deprecating just for the heck of it. I can look at my facial features and based on what is culturally considered attractive and what science has discovered as the ideal I am sorely lacking. Knowing this I cannot blame males if they are anot attracted to me. It would be like blaming a person because you tried to serve them rancid meat and they did not want to eat it. Anyway, I know that the outward appearance, no matter how much we would like to think otherwise, is the first thing that catches someone's eye. If this is not interesting or appealing then no matter how wonderful of a personality someone has they will stand very little chance of attracting others.

2. Most men do not want to date or have sex with a female that is a virgin at an advanced age. And yes, 27 is considered an advanced age to still be a virgin. This is putting aside my complete and utter lack of experience in anything relating to physical intimacy. It is almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

3. I have absolutely no idea whatsoever of how to flirt. NONE.

This is one doosy of a first post.